An Open Letter To The Coddled Workspace

Source: Highbrook Media

Note: This is a work of satire.

You may have noticed by now that modern workspaces are identical to preschools.

There’s hand-holding, soft language, squishy furniture, snacks. There are quiet rooms, relaxation rooms, meditation rooms, naptime. There are coloring books, fidget spinners, and boxes of organic cold-pressed apple juice. There are e-mails “checking in,” asking how we’re “feeling” today.

Employees are no longer expected to be mild-mannered enough to avoid scratching out each other’s throats. Now we’re forced to get along. And play nice.

Now there are constant check-ups to make sure we’re being on our best behavior. There’s nudging about whether we’ve been to therapy or whether we’re so disturbed by current events that we need to take a “mental health day,” – unpaid, of course, unless you’re a full-time employee. Which, thanks to the gig economy, nobody is.  

Now there are field trips to the park where we perform “team-building exercises,” such as BubbleBall. Now there are complimentary lunches and dinners that the company can list as work expenses and charitable tax write-offs, with complimentary T-shirts and Hydroflasks that the company can list as work expenses and charitable tax write-offs.

Let’s not forget Pizza Fridays. Employee birthdays. Christmas. Thank God adult daycare has free booze.

At this point I’m getting more messages of “concern” from my boss than my family or friends. “Are you okay?” “Do you need a break?” “Do you need a lobotomy (not covered by insurance)?”

Call me old-fashioned, but it was my understanding that work is work. A place where an employee gets paid to perform tasks.  A place where people are compensated to perform obligations that they would not otherwise naturally perform.

People go to work to work, right? Not to talk about their feelings, their personal lives, or their philosophical views, and certainly not to represent the company or the company’s interests when they’re off the clock. And absolutely not to get emotionally invested in the “ethos” of The Brand.

While the perks of the modern workspace—free food, big comfy couches, therapy dog hour—are a refreshing change of pace from some of the workplaces I’ve previously haunted, where you’re lucky to get a glimpse of the sun through your jail cell during your five-minute unpaid bathroom break, something feels amiss. The work-life balance is dissolving. Work has become life.

Quite frankly, I’m baffled that more people aren’t disturbed by this. On the contrary, people seem to want more workplace coddling, more performative “empathy” from higher-ups and management. They want more invasive emails, more unpaid mental health days, more obligations to cheerlead for the company off-hours!

Sounds a bit…co-dependent, no?

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but it is actually none of a company’s business if their employees need a bong hit or psychoanalysis – nor should it be. It should be regarded as a public embarrassment for any business establishment to expect its workers to be full-time brand ambassadors – free of charge.

Companies should not expect employees to dedicate any more emotional heft than necessary to perform tasks. It should be mutually understood that the majority of workers are there to get paid for their labor, not because they maintain intimate affection toward the company, its goals, or its mission.

I suppose it is fair to assume that the modern coddled workspace has emerged as an exploitation of the human comfort response. If humans are more comfortable, the theory dictates, perhaps they will be more receptive to situations they would otherwise find ignoble. Perhaps they will be more productive. Cushy workspaces, one must assume, are attempting to lure workers into a sense of trust so they’ll be predisposed to approval-seeking behaviors and brand ambassadorship far beyond their contractual obligations. Now, the worker-employee relationship is not and never has been one of equality. These attempts to induce a sense of belonging are, shall we surmise, rather transparent.

Rather than enact changes that workers actually lobby for – higher wages, overtime, paid time off, no more NDAs when filing a harassment claim, credit for work, travel reimbursement, benefits for contractors, et cetera – employers simply sprinkle more free T-shirts, stress balls and trips to the aquarium over everything, and the machine keeps running as intended.  

Now, the solution to this is as simple as it is elegant. Companies must stop pretending to care about anything except the following:

A)   That the employee performs the assigned tasks to at least a satisfactory degree. 

B)   That the employee is not being harassed by or harassing others.

Further, if The Brand expects ambassadorship from their workers outside of working hours, that should count as a form of branded marketing—of labor—and The Brand should offer compensation at the standard overtime rate.

My sentiments go double or triple now that a majority of employees have successfully worked remotely for over two years. Many have stated that they would like to continue working from home forever. They would rather quit than return to office life.

Dare I ask: Without offices, is there even a need for “office culture?”

Virtual workspaces are no longer the future, they are the now. There is no need for coddling in the virtual workspace. Workers no longer want or need endless swag, free coffee, or mind-numbing mandatory luncheons. They can get all of that in the privacy of home, or in the physical workspaces of their choosing, without having to spend unpaid hours commuting at the crack of dawn.

Here, here!

Now, if you please, I am all out of organic cold-pressed apple juice…