The Wonderful World of Retail Investing

As you may or may not be aware, there was a bit of a pandemic situation these past couple of years. During this time, people were confined to their homes with nothing to do except stick it to the man by YOLOing their life savings in meme stocks.

Now, you do not need to know anything about the stock market to become a retail investor/future gambling addict. With a rudimentary understanding of colors (green good, red bad) you can yield the same results as some hot shot who won’t shut up about the Greeks and volatility and momentum oscillators. All you have to do is remember the immortal words of Warren Buffet: “Stocks only go up.” I mean, just look at them. The NASDAQ is always at an all-time high. Everyone—except you—is making big bucks, cruising around in McLarens and snorting lines of caviar. Sounds like a pretty good time to line the pockets of Wall Street elites. Fire up RobinHood, pronto!

Before we begin, you’ll have to familiarize yourself with a brand new lexicon of expansive, self-deprecating pidgin. “Tendies” and “bananas” are unrealized gains. “Hedgies” are hedge fund jerkwads. “Diamond hands” means losing all your money. “Paper hands” means losing all your money. “Feeling bullish” means you hope you won’t lose all your money. “Feeling bearish” means you pray you won’t lose all your money. “Apes” and “degenerates” are future owners of Lamborghinis and lunar real estate. No one knows what is meant by the phrase “my wife’s boyfriend.”

Ken Griffin, a hedgie who runs Citadel LLC, is the retail investor’s sworn enemy—he is more or less the lovechild of the Monopoly Man and Voldemort. Jerome “f*** your puts, money printer go BRRR” Powell, the Pope of Wall Street and chair of the Federal Reserve, is a textbook Aquarius. As the sole operator of the mint machine at the U.S. treasury, he ensures that everyone will become millionaires while remaining middle-class. Cathie Wood had the bright idea to rally PLTR at 29, so we’re not really friends with her anymore. And Michael Burry is basically the Pythia.

Now that you’re well-versed in financial vernacular, let’s go over some practical basics. Remember, the goal is to lose as much money as possible as quickly as possible. Buy high, sell low, and don’t do any independent research at all, ever. You can learn everything you need to know from PotatoInMyAss420 and the comment section on Yahoo Finance. Anyone who claims to work in the “financial sector” actually works at McDonald’s; pay them no mind.

Wall Street Bets is another fine resource. Wall Street Bets is a group of anonymous gambling addicts who moonlight as financial advisors. They preach a philosophy of being “jacked to the tits” and going “to the moon,” which are euphemisms for losing all your money (but having a great time doing it.)

It is highly recommended that you familiarize yourself with the ancient secret art of technical analysis—basically astrology but for stocks, you know, funny symbols, lots of guessing, volume, indices, McChicken. Technical analysis allows everyone to predict the value of an asset based on its previous movement with staggering accuracy, which is why everyone in this casino is rich and getting richer every day. After all, it’s only a gambling addiction until you strike it big. Then you’re a genius.

Now get out there and lose all your money. It’s the only way to stick it to the man.

Note: This is a work of satire and not intended to be financial advice.